


Chocolate Cigarettes

by misura



Category: Constantine (2005)
Genre: M/M, Post-Movie(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-10-05
Updated: 2009-10-05
Packaged: 2018-01-25 01:22:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1624088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/misura/pseuds/misura
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Worse things had happened.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Chocolate Cigarettes

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Sean McCarthy

Worse things had happened to John Constantine than to be woken up at two AM because an angel was cleaning up his apartment while munching on some left-over pizza he'd forgotten to put in the fridge with one of those yellow post-it notes on it that said 'Don't eat this - poisoned' and humming the Ode to Joy under his breath.

On the other hand, most (if not all) of those things at least had had the grace to not happen in his apartment. A fair number of them had called in advance, or sent him a note in red lettering that might have been blood, but probably hadn't been (because, really, ink was so much easier to write with, and Sloth was, after all, a Sin with a capital 's'). Better yet: they'd only happened once.

"Hey, John, did I wake you up? Sorry."

And they'd never, ever come with apologies. That was good, because it meant he didn't have to worry about acting like he gave a damn about manners.

"Hey, Chas."

There'd been a time when he'd slept fully naked. It made it easier to get showered and dressed in a hurry. Nowadays, he wore pajamas. Dark-blue ones, at first, but they had a tendency to change colours on him and spontaneously become covered in pictures of either fuzzy animals or cartoons.

"Cigarette?"

His hand had reached out and snatched one almost before he'd thought about it. Chas'd been trying to make him quit smoking for months. John doubted he'd changed his tune now.

"Funny." It was a chocolate one. Of course.

"Smoking kills, John."

"How old do you think I am?"

As long as Chas didn't look at him directly, it was easy to pretend he was human.

"I don't know, John. How old are you feeling?"

 

John drove himself nowadays. Apparently, the many ways guardian angels might protect and annoy those entrusted to their care didn't include playing taxi.

"You didn't eat the chocolate."

"I don't like chocolate."

Chas flipped open the package of fake cigarettes and took one, sticking it between his lips with studied nonchalance. John watched him in the mirror, pretending he didn't.

"Where are we going?"

"You know you can't eat the paper, right?"

"I'm an angel now, John."

And still an idiot who made John worry about him. "So?"

Chas scowled.

 

"I'm going in there to see a man about a thing. You stay in the car."

"Nice try, but I don't think so."

There was a smudge of chocolate at the left corner of Chas's mouth. It seemed to go unnoticed by the nervous little man who claimed he had in his possession 'certain objects of interest'.

John looked them over, half his mind on the man's chattering and half his mind on the objects in question. Chas was looking around the room as if he were seeing things John couldn't.

"Chas."

The kid was an angel now. John figured he might as well make use of the fact.

"What do you think of these?"

The nervous little man stopped chattering and stared at Chas as if he hadn't spotted him before.

"Are they real?"

"It's your call. Your choice," Chas said.

John managed not to choke him then and there. It took an effort, though.

The smudge of chocolate helped.

 

"They're fakes, aren't they?"

"I didn't say that."

"You suck as a guardian angel."

"He needed the money."

"You're buying me lunch. And dinner. And a new shirt."

"I haven't got any money, John."

"You totally suck as a guardian angel."

"Yeah, well, I'm kind of new to it."

John stared out the car-window. "So where'd you want to go for lunch?"

 

If the bouncer at Midnite's held a grudge, he hid it well.

"A rabbit with a pocket watch and a top hat."

Possibly, he was simply smarter than he looked. Or possibly, like Midnite's itself, he simply never changed, giving everyone who entered the same treatment.

The music seemed a little louder, although it might just be that he hadn't heard it in a while. The door to Midnite's chamber was still where it used to be and opened for him easily enough.

"Good evening, John."

"I need your help."

Midnite raised one eyebrow. "What with?"

"Chas."

Midnite leaned back and blew out a puff of smoke.

"I need to do something about him."

"Why?"

"Because he's driving me crazy."

"He is an angel, John."

"Oh, so he's just doing his job?"

"His work is not to cause you to lose your mind. That may be merely a side-effect. A bonus, if you will."

"A bonus."

"Perhaps a somewhat unfortunate choice of wording."

"He's trying to get me to eat chocolate and quit smoking."

"Consider it a sign of his love for you."

"Love?"

"Never doubt that you are loved, John. By more people than you know of."

"You're beginning to make me nervous."

"Such was not my intention."

"Liar."

Midnite took another puff of his cigar and smiled.

 

Presumably, Heaven had pulled one over on Lu and managed to get permission to send one fully-fledged angel to Earth. Presumably, Lu had been sharp enough not to let them send too much of a powerhouse, and to impose certain restrictions on what the angel in question could and couldn't do.

Chas never performed exorcisms, although he sometimes watched when John did them. He didn't preach on street-corners, although he told John he should give reading Neil Gaiman a try some time. He never performed miracles, unless you counted preparing a mouth-watering breakfast with what little supplies John kept in his kitchen.

"Hey, Chas?"

"Yeah?"

"What are you doing here?"

"I'm your guardian angel, John. Are you feeling all right?"

"Not really, no."

"Want a cigarette?"

"Nope."

Chas grinned.

 

"I need a cigarette."

"You need many things, John. Mostly, you lack the wisdom to recognize them. It's a quite human failing. Do not let it concern you overly much."

"Yeah, I don't think I needed to hear that."

Midnite shrugged. "I am not here for your convenience."

"You can say that again."

"Go home, John."

"Go to hell."

"I do not believe you would want to owe me a favor quite that big."

"Oh, that's cute."

 

There were things they never talked about, like Angela, and dying.

"You should get a new TV."

"I never watch it."

"Then you're missing out on some really great stuff. I mean, seriously, John."

"When did you become such a fan of TV shows?"

"You going over to Midnite's again tonight?"

Probably, there didn't have any TVs in Heaven. "Maybe. Do you want to come along?"

"Naw."

There were things John sometimes thought they should talk about, but somehow, the time never seemed quite right and he kept telling himself they could wait.

 

" 'Take him, and kill him after'. That's what you said."

"And you took him with you."

"And I got him killed."

"Indeed. Are you holding me responsible for what happened?"

"Because I did exactly as you said? Of course not."

"The mistakes you make are always your own, John. Learn from them."

"Did you?"

"Ah. A question I believe I shall leave unanswered."

"Coward."

"No more than you are, John."

 

As the kid who kept following him around and occasionally made himself useful, Chas had been more or less understandable, even if John knew he'd never have put up with the kind of stuff he made Chas put up with from him. He hadn't been entirely joking when he'd called Chas his ' very appreciated apprentice', even if he'd never done much teaching. He simply didn't have the calling for it, but then, Chas didn't really have the gift for magic John had, so he'd reckoned that evened things out, more or less.

"Hey, John, want to go see the new Star Trek-movie?"

Chas as an angel didn't make sense.

"Not really, no."

Chas as his personal, live-in guardian angel didn't make any sense at all.

"All right, then which movie do you want to see?"

"How about none?"

"Aw, c'mon, John, don't be like that. Why can't we ever do something fun together?"

"Why don't you get a girlfriend?"

"I'm your guardian angel."

"Then I guess you're out of luck."

 

"Are you afraid of what people might say when they see a man and another man go to a movie together?"

"Why am I talking to you about this?"

"Because you will not allow yourself to make friends and as a result you do not have any."

"You're enjoying this."

Midnite blew some smoke at him. "You still do not see what is right in front of you, John."

"Why don't you explain it to me?"

"There would be no fun in that. Although I must say, you are trying even my own patience."

"Nice to hear I haven't lost my edge completely."

 

Somehow, the question remained with him. The answer, of course, was simply 'no' - John Constantine didn't give a rat's behind about what anyone might say about him - but the question implied something.

Of course, Midnite had made a living out of messing with people's heads. Dead people, mostly, but John knew how being a witch-doctor worked. No sense in wasting magic when you could make do with make-believe instead.

Was Midnite his friend? And if not, who was? Chas?

"Chas. Come with me over to Midnite's this evening."

"Thanks for the invitation, John, but I think I'll pass."

"It wasn't an invitation."

"Oh." John didn't remember to look away in time. "You sure about this?"

He wasn't, actually, but every time he'd asked Chas along, Chas had declined. It might mean nothing, but John prefered to believe that it did. Besides, it would be just as easy to talk about Chas with him being there as it had been when he hadn't been.

 

"A turtle on a bicycle."

"A sheep in a vegetable garden."

Once, Chas would have sounded excited - and, all right, a little too young and stupid to take inside a club like Midnite's. He sounded a little nervous now, but it was the wrong kind of nervous. It was the kind of nervous people got when they knew quite well what was behind a certain closed door.

John decided he didn't quite like it, though not enough to have second thoughts. Whatever was behind the door would be there only with Midnite's permission, which meant it probably wasn't going to kill him. It might try, of course, and then John would have a good reason not to come by here again for a while, which would be good, because he wouldn't miss those talks he'd been having with Midnite.

Maybe he'd talk to Chas, instead.

Maybe he'd try to find Angela again after all.

He opened the door, noticed Chas tense, reminded himself that Chas didn't need to be watched anymore, because John'd already screwed that one up -

\- never seeing the thing behind the door coming until it smacked him in the face.

 

"Hey, John."

There was a lot of red, if not of the kind he usually saw when he regained consciousness after he'd been knocked out.

"What kind of place is this?"

A chuckle and the familiar smell of tobacco. "I take it you do not like the decorations."

"You getting married?"

"Look," said Chas, "it's like this. You weren't getting the hints."

"What hints?"

"Quod erat demonstrandum."

"So I talked things over with Pops, and, well, we figured we'd do something about it."

"For the record, the balloons were not my idea."

"Really?"

Midnite frowned slightly.

"But anyway, there it is. We love you, John."

"What did you give him, and how is fucking up my life respecting the balance?"

"It's really not like that, John."

"If I possessed knowledge of any drug or other substance, capable of influencing an angel's sense of judgment, I assure you I would not waste it on a prank."

"You know, I actually believe you."

"Thank you."

"Look, John, can't you just believe I mean what I'm saying? For real?"

"You love me."

Chas flushed slightly. Midnite blew a ring of smoke.

"Great. Well, thanks for the heads-up, Chas."

"To take this matter lightly is not a thing I would advise you to do, John."

"And what happened the last time I took your advise?"

"That line was not offered in the spirit of counsel. As you know quite well."

Midnite was no angel. John could meet his gaze, and hold it.

"You don't have to do anything about it, John. I mean, you're you, right? I just wanted to let you know, that's all. Look, why don't we just forget this ever happened."

"Chas."

"Yeah?"

"Stop apologizing."

"Sorry, John."

"We're leaving."

"Yes, John."

"We'll talk about this back at the apartment."

"Okay, John."

 

"Sometimes I have wondered what the place where you live looked like."

"Well, now you know. Let me show you where the door is."

"There are some issues to be resolved, I believe."

"There are?"

"Coffee, anyone?"

"Let us not play games, John."

"By all means, let's not."

"Couldn't we just try it?"

Midnite lit a new cigar.

"Try what?'

"Well, you know. It."

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Sex, John. I'm talking about sex."

"He might still not know what you are talking about. Not a virgin - I can tell that much, but as to the rest ... well. Your guess may serve as well as mine."

"Oh, really? And when was the last time you had a date? With someone actually alive?"

"There is no need to get offensive."

"It's just my natural charm."

"Which doesn't ever actually work to get you a date. Sorry, John. Just sayin'."

"I am saying you interest me, John. I do not say this lightly, nor with much hope that you will actually comprehend what I am telling you, yet telling you I am."

"Great. And you expect me to do what, exactly?"

 

Worse things had happened to John Constantine than to wake up to the sound of an angel and a witch-doctor discussing the merits of bringing a certain exorcist breakfast in bed as opposed to forcing him to put on a semblance of being awake and join them in the kitchen.

"Should you really be drinking that orange-juice? The note says it's poisoned."

"Naw, that's just John's idea of a joke."

"I see."

"Don't worry - wasn't any note on the bacon or the eggs."

"Actually poisoned food probably would not be marked as such."

"Yeah, that kind of sounds like John"

"It is what I would do as well."

"Great minds, huh?"

Better things had happened to him too, surely. Homely as the present situation might be, things were bound to get ... complicated in the near-future. There would be consequences, probably beyond those Chas had been able to think of, and possibly beyond Midnite's vision as well.

And yet, right there and then, John couldn't have cared less.


End file.
